The Apprentice Episode 1

Since the dawn of time, well the second series when I first started watching the Apprentice, I have longed for the boys team to win the first task.  Although I’m unlike a lot of the idiots who are on the boys team every year with their “Yeaaahs!” and “Come ons!” or my personal favourite from this episode “Stop fannying around!” as I usually go for a slightly effeminate “Ooo!”, I feel a certain amount of dedication for the boys team for we share the same set of genitalia.

But the first episode saw this victory for my fellow man, in none other than a cleaning task.  And to be fair, I wanted this outcome from the beginning because the simple fact was the boys were much better in this task.  They didn’t ‘fanny’ about and got down to business straight away.  However, they did have their fair share of tits though.

The only guy we had really heard about before the airing of this series was that nobhead who said “For me, making money is better than sex”.  Well, by the look of this little hotty, he’s had some.  The first shot clearly had him wearing braces, and came out with the sexually igniting business terminology of “Turnover is Vanity, Profit is Sanity” when talking to his lovely ladies.  Phwoar.

Some baldy who I didn’t do anything all task and then in the boardroom when asked about Howard, the project manner did a jazz hands 80’s move and then interlectually stated after being prompted to talk that he did “some bits good some bits bad”.  But I don’t think that annoyed me quite as much as some bloke who described a fantastic multimedia, high tech, expensive luxuary house as ”So Fung Shui…”.  Twat.

The tit of the show though was some northan chimp called Ben who grunted a bit, and came out with such statements as “Me Gran cood do betta”.  And while they were cleaning a car he came out with the chestnut of “Too meny cooks spoil the broth youknow”.  Perhaps if you’re making sushi Ben, but you’re washing a Mini Bus, a fine art which can only be successfully completed by four people.  But his greatest moment was when he looked at three beds in a row and in his charming northen tone stated his plans for the evening “Me, a girl each side”.  You charmer, get your clothes off, or alternativly shut yur face.

Okay, they were mostly tits, but what were you expecting?

I cringed regularly when watching the Girls though, especially running up to oncoming cars armed with a hose.  The door to door efforts of cleaning were pathetic, I get pissed off when a six year old comes to the door with a bucket and a spade, if an Apprentice contestant asked me I would bite one.  The patronising “You sit down, watch telly” to an old man made me want to punch whoever said it, and ultimatly the whole performance was summed up when one of them only had to say “Let’s hope the boys did shit”.

Out of the girls there was an American that I quite liked, and a grumpy lady with some glasses made me laugh.

Mona, the team manager wasn’t awful, it’s just that bless her she wasn’t the best speaker.  Once you turned her on in the boardroom she was like that high pitched noise people used to play on their phone which you eventually just zoned out from.  I’m sure she’s got legs, it just seems at the moment she has to talk shit to keep them running.

Anita, the slightly more miserable than the rest one, which is saying quite a lot, got fired which was probably the right decision to make; although she can speak very well and made a pritty decent stand in the boardroom.  But out of her, Mona and some other bitchy one who seemed to be half decent she was probably the one to go.

But the most intresting development from watching this episode was I discovered Howard the project manager has too much face.  It’s quite disconcerting.